What is up with all the spider webs? I mean, seriously! Everywhere I go there seems to be a pesky spider web waiting to greet my pretty face with a kiss. And it’s never a happy greeting, like when a stranger hands you a $100 bill and says, “Buy yourself something you don’t need.” It’s much more of the unwanted variety. The type of greeting that shocks you, like when an obese self proclaimed “detective” hands you a sealed envelope and says, “You’ve been served. Good luck in court.” Nothing makes a person embody obsessive compulsion more than feeling a web envelop their face. You start rubbing your hands sporadically over your head and face as if you’re brushing sand off your body after a day at the beach. Except for this sand might contain an eight legged creature with a thirst for blood. In some cases you even take your shirt off and shake it out like it’s a dirty rug. The uneasy feeling doesn’t go away until your next shower and you’ll swear that you can feel a spider crawling all over you, despite the crazy impromptu Aboriginal rain dance you did in an effort to shake the little arachnid off your person.
A few nights ago I went for a little bike ride and a block away from my house I found myself frantically doing the “get the fuck off me, spider!” dance. I even did that bit where I remove my shirt and wave it around “rah rah” style, like I was head cheerleader rooting for my hot quarterback boyfriend at the big game. A few minutes later what should smack me in the face? Another spider web! Only a few more minutes passed before I was greeted with yet another, but this one I felt wrapped around my arms. Had I been riding naked I surely would have felt the webs all over my legs and the you know where area too. Could I be such an unlucky person that every spider web in town wanted to hug my face? That just wasn’t possible. And at that point I had a revelation. The spider was on me. Yes, on me! And spinning webs all over me! That had to be it. There is still a slim chance that I’m paying off bad deeds from my youth in the form of karmic retribution. You know what though, I doubt that the whole rubbing Carmex down the side of a Scantron test actually confused the machine into not marking all my incorrect answers. So, perhaps this spider thing is simply retribution for me being a dumbass. Or better yet, it’s most likely payback from the Spider Gods for all the spiders that have met their demise due to my ruthless murdering of the little beasts.