Archive for the ‘What I Wore’ Category

As you can see, I am OBSESSED with fashion and looking good. This is quite a change up since my last fashion post, but I think it’s social suicide to pigeon hole yourself into one look.

The American Apparel fleece hoodie is essential. The secret to a fashionable hoodie is, and a lot of people don’t know this, never wash it. Seriously. It gets more comfy and looks cooler every time you wear it. If you wash it you might as well toss it.

Dark sunglasses are great too. Not so much because they’re hot and make you look mysterious, but because when you’re fake smiling during mundane conversations with people you despise they won’t see you rolling your eyes at their idiotic annoying statements. Another thing, never pay under $300 for glasses. If you do, we can’t be friends anymore.

Every outfit you decide to show off in public should make a statement. Afterall, the world is your stage and you must constantly perform. Duh! The statement I’m making here is “Look at all the shit I can hang off my body!” If you couldn’t see that already then you have a thing or two (or three thousand) to learn about fashion. Go back to FIDM, suckas!

Anyway, I’m not talking about weird bric-a-brac dangling off chains from pierced body parts. I’m talking about real showstoppers here, people. Your dainty little purse just isn’t going to cut it these days. Sure, it hangs off your body, but you need something much more bold. I’m rocking the sweet Graffiti Utility Backpack as my main accessory. It holds up to eight cans of spray paint. And you know what? I don’t even carry anything in it. That thing hangs from my masculine shoulders strictly as a fashion statement. Fashion over function, baby! I’ve also got the Canon T3i around my shoulder. Again, strictly for the look. There are so many buttons I don’t even know how to work the thing. Turning the device on is way over my head, but I can tell you this: people take a double look at me when I pass and I hear their jealous whispers. Is he off to shoot a bunch of hot fashion models? A celebrity wedding? They will never know, ha!

If you don’t know it already, I’m a strong advocate of, what we refer to in the industry as, “A & A”. What that means is “Accessorize Accessories”. Check it. I’ve got the awesome Graffiti Utility Backpack, which really enhances my “too-old-to-be-a-street-kid-but-I-don’t-care” look, but the genius behind it all is that I am using the uber cute pink water bottle to accessorize the backpack. Bam! Not only does it bring attention to my awesome backpack, but it also makes a great statement. It says, “Clasahn cares about being hydrated.” Of course, I don’t even drink the water because I have to avoid all risks of possibly retaining water. I mean, geez, if I’m going to keep this figure. Am I right, ladies? Anyway, when it comes to the water bottle, trust me, passersby take notice. Well, who are we kidding? With looks like this, passersby always notice me, but that goes without saying. Duh!

Worn in and unwashed jeans is a no-brainer. Ok, you got me. I do wash my jeans. Like once every four weeks! As for the black shoes. I got them in Paris. No big deal. If you’re not buying your shoes in Paris yet, then you really aren’t buying shoes. It’s as simple as that. You should always wear bright white socks too. A lot of people think black socks with black shoes, but here’s the thing: a lot of people are fucking stupid. But not you, I love you all.

Just don’t let me catch you in sunglasses that cost less than $300.

* Photos by the talented and beautiful Cerezas Y Tigres.

In all likelihood it would take most people five to six wardrobe changes to come up with this outfit, but here’s the thing, I have the ability to craft this look on my first try. It’s a gift I cherished at one time, like an overpriced bar of imported dark chocolate, but now it’s just like whatever. I know my outfits have people weeping with jealousy. And you know what? It’s not that my goal is to make people jealous so much as it is…well, to make them wish they were me. And seriously, with a pig flocked in soft pink on my Pink Floyd shirt, who wouldn’t want to be?

For those of you that know me personally, you can attest to the fact that I’m not posing in the above photo. I know it looks like I am, but I really do stand like this all the time. Especially when I’m out at the clubs. And even moreso when I’m in front of a mirror or a camera.

Ok, now I know what you must be asking yourself. “Out of all the varied styles of clothes in my closet, how could I put together an outfit like Clasahn?” Well, it’s going to be hard to keep up with my systematic stylings, but it can’t hurt to try and I’m here to help you out.

First off, if you decide to go with a hat it’s a must to tilt that sonuvabitch about thirty degrees off center. Next, I can’t stress the importance of a too tight shirt with a band whom you’re not really a fan of. I couldn’t name a Pink Floyd song to save my life. All I know about them is some of the troubled kids back in school wore that ugly “Pink Floyd: The Wall” shirt. The one with that scary face on it. Whenever I wear this shirt I make absolute certain to let people know that I wouldn’t know a Pink Floyd song if I heard one. Naturally, they start singing “We don’t need no education.” At that I just nod and smile because I still have no idea what the hell they’re talking about. After a little research though I just found this sweet video!

The light show in the beginning is so couture! No wonder so many people worship Pink Floyd. I might be a fan now, but don’t tell anybody, please. Because that would mean I can’t wear this super awesome shirt anymore.

The pants are next. Make sure you get them at the Gap when they’re on sale. I strongly encourage you to set up your credit card to earn reward points and to max that thing out as soon as possible. For about $2000 worth of debt you can cash in your rewards for a $50 gift certificate to the Gap. Believe me, it’s worth it! There are two things to keep in mind with your pants. The baggier the better. This trend of guys wearing pants made for twelve year old girls is so passe. Don’t go there, sister. Baggy lets everybody know that no matter how old you get you refuse to let go of the fact that as a teenager you were a full on skater. Once you get the baggy down the next thing to look for is a pair of pants in which the zipper causes an outward protrusion in the front. Sometimes you find a zipper that naturally protrudes inward. Believe me, you don’t want that. The goal here is to have people believe you’ve got a prize winning zucchini trying to burst out of your crotch.

Lastly, we have to fix your shoe situation. Oh, how I love shoes! What a lot of people don’t know is that you always pay full price for shoes. At Ross. Like I did when I bought these in 1998. Nothing screams “sale knockoff” like discounted footwear. So remember, shoes wisely. Haha, get it? Instead of “choose” I said “shoes”. Oh me!

Oh, I forgot to mention something. Always get your pants longer than they need to be.
The reason is this.

You want the pant leg to drag when you walk. Frayed pants bottoms are haute! Normally I don’t tuck mine into the heel of my shoe. I simply did it here to showcase how well the back of my shoes have held up over the years of not running and hiking in them. I have no idea how they’ve gotten so scratched up.