Posts Tagged ‘humor’

Our Little Rottweiler Finally Learned How To Use The Doggy Door.

How To Scare Away Family By Loving Them

My mom set up a Facebook group for our family because there are a lot of us and it’s way easier to post “Hey, it’s so-and-so’s birthday next week. Come by at 3.” as opposed to making a dozen or more phone calls to everybody. Well, we had one such event a couple of weekends ago, my grandmother’s 91st birthday. Yes, you heard that right. She is 91 years old. That means she was alive before the first TV remote control.

Zenith_Space_Commander_600

You might be thinking, “Send invitations, like in the olden days. If you don’t know what an invitation is just ask your grandmother about them.” To which I’d reply, no. The group isn’t just to announce parties. With this many people (16 adults and 8 children) somebody is bound to leave something behind, which is exactly why my mom’s most recent post was about a pair of forgotten sunglasses. And who sends invites to announce a lost pair of glasses? Exactly.

Oh yeah, for this to make sense, you have to know that we all call my grandmother “Nanny”, which I am almost certain was something she came up with to sound less old.
Grandma = Wrinkly Old Lady
Nanny = Scarlett Johansson

nanny diaries

So, my mom posted something on our family group about finding a pair of sunglasses and also mentioned that Nanny had been to the doctor, which resulted in the following comments. Please take notice of the time when I joined in.

family stuff

It’s been two days and Aaron still hasn’t responded. Aaron, if you’re out there…

are you?

Kids Love Mangerines And Other Weird Tales

devices at the donut shop.

There is a good chance you know me as an artist. Although I have been known to throw paint around on occasion and there was also that time I owned and operated an art gallery for 8 years, but my real passion is making fun of my kids.

Let’s face it, they are a never ending source of silly circumstance, poor decisions and masters at doing things…well, doing stupid things. That might be the best way to describe it.

kids being cool

Yes, that’s Evelyn wearing Elliott’s sunglasses. Elliott is 1.5 years old and Evy is 11. James is wearing my glasses, which is funny because he thinks he looks cool and what he doesn’t realize is that my glasses are cheap and lame. With a name like “Sunbelt” what would you expect? I wear them because Coral laughs at them and I think she might actually be slightly embarrassed to associate with a dude that wears Sunbelts and if I can do anything to embarrass her I will. That, and Versace stopped sending me free pairs when they found out I was hawking them on ebay at a fraction of the suggested retail price of a gazillion dollars.

There is no doubt I did some stupid things when I was a kid too. Like that time I tried to get a circular saw blade to stick into the bottom of a tree house by throwing it as hard as I could straight up at it. Surprisingly, it didn’t stick and barely missed my head on it’s way down. I’ve even done some stupid things as an adult, but I also do my fair share of responsible things like pay my car registration on time, or a month late, but who’s keeping track, besides the DMV. Like I said, my kids, and probably all kids, create a vast pool of things to ridicule. So much, in fact, that we often dismiss these things because they happen so frequently, but we should really be writing them down because it’s only a matter of time before we forget the good ones, the really stupid/funny ones, and they grow up and start making real mistakes. The kind that cost us, the parents, lots of money, hair loss or our general sense of well being due to the stress of not knowing where your teenage daughter is at 2 o’clock in the morning. The past couple of weeks I’ve taken note of some of the strange, peculiar and just plain weird things my kids have done.

kids are strange
(I wish I knew what that hand gesture meant. It’s either “I’m gonna grab your butt!” or “I’ve got the sunshine in the palm of my hand, so watch out!”)

Before I get to that I would like to say one more thing. Part of getting the best material out of your kids is not distracting them too much when you see them doing something weird. Sit back and observe and only ask what they’re doing when it looks like they are done. If you ask them what they’re doing in the middle of what they consider to be a “brilliant idea” you might throw them off and ruin everything. Just let them be. Unless, of course, you smell smoke, hear glass breaking or can’t find the baby. Here we go. Enjoy!

James: “What are these called?”
Me: “Mandarin Oranges.”
James: “They are SO good…I love mangerines!”
Me: *stares blankly* (pause) Yes, they are tasty.

* * * * * * * * * *

Evy dropped James’ overpriced headphones in the sink.
And blamed him for it.

I think the logic was that if he hadn’t asked for them back she wouldn’t have taken them off and dropped them.

* * * * * * * * * *

Evelyn is the Queen Of Ridiculous Ailments. Seriously, everyday it is something. You know the story about the boy that cried wolf? That’s Evy, but she cries disease. Stuff like, “I can’t do PE today because I woke up with a sore throat 4 days ago. Can you write me a note?” Her most popular one is getting out of bed after lights out to complain about an upset stomach, a cough, sore throat, hurt knee, etc. The thing is she mentions NOTHING about it in the hours leading up to bedtime. She also does this in the morning in an attempt to stay home from school. A couple of weeks ago she actually threw up (self fulfilling prophecy, perhaps?) and it was totally gross, but it was reason enough to keep her home. She’s generally a pretty sassy little thing, but something about being sick turned her into a real sweetheart. She was polite and loving and a real joy to be around. In a way, I almost wished she was sick more often.

* * * * * * * * * *

kids are strange
(Just another photo of the Biebs putting the moves on my little girl. I think Evy made this with some twisted “I love Biebs” app.)

* * * * * * * * * *

Last weekend at 11:07pm Coral told the kids it was time to brush their teeth and to be in bed by 11:30pm. At 11:15pm James asked if he could watch “Adventures In Babysitting.” I know that he knows movies are longer than 15 minutes. Coral and I just look at each other like, “huh?”

* * * * * * * * * *

I found James in the kitchen buttering a slice of sourdough. As soon as he was done buttering it he tossed it in the toaster oven. I thought this was weird, but maybe some people do this and it’s quite possible that it’s awesome and I’ve been missing out my whole life.

* * * * * * * * * *

I love this one.

Evelyn had a bowl of cereal and I was waiting to see if she was going to pour the leftover milk down the sink, drink it, or do what I do and add more cereal. She set the bowl on the counter and walked away. I paused before telling her to wash the bowl and I’m glad I did because she grabbed this…

yum

and ground some into the leftover milk. My first instinct was to say, “What the shit?”, but I held my tongue and observed. She drank it, looked at me and said, “It sort of tastes like horchata.” and downed the rest of it.

I smiled.

kids...

Peace out!

Things I Love Thursday: Not Getting Stabbed In The Face

This happened a couple of nights ago. I understand that this is a “Things I Love THURSDAY” post, but it’s taken a couple of days of reflection to fully appreciate that I am still alive. As you know, I am a big fan of the Automated Postal Center because it works nice with my schedule, which basically means being productive at night after all the kids have gone to bed. Before I made the trek to the post office I sent Coral a “goodbye, I’ll be home soon” text.

text message

She never responded because she fell asleep on the couch. And she’s lucky because imagine how bad she would have felt if a mustached man did stab me in the face. The really sad part though would be that my death would have totally been in vain because I didn’t even accomplish what I left the house to do, thanks to the dumb machine at the post office.

well ain't that a bitch...

Yeah, I would try later, except for I got stabbed in the face, jerk!

I wonder if my mustached murderer would have stolen the package I was trying to mail. How long would my customer have waited before sending me a “Where’s my package, asshole” email? Also, I wonder if Coral would eventually find the email and write the customer back saying something like, “I apologize for the inconvenience of your package not arriving in a timely manner. Because of your order Jeff was stabbed in the face by a mustached man while trying to ship your package using the super convenient Automated Postal Center, that happens to double as a death trap as well as a great way to mail things after hours. We will return your money never because burial costs are crazy expensive and it’s partially your fault we had to bury the guy anyway. Thank you.”

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