Posts Tagged ‘wtf’

Somebody Loves Wheat Thins

At what point does “reduced fat” just become normal amount of fat? Do you know what I mean? It has to balance out at some point. For example, could the person in line in front of me be better off just getting one or two boxes of regular fat Wheat Thins. Would two boxes of the regular be the same as eating five of the reduced fat? Anyway, I don’t normally take photos of other peoples groceries, but I couldn’t pass up this opportunity. The ONLY thing they were buying was Wheat Thins. Ten boxes of Wheat Thins. My first thought was “eccentric millionaire”, which would also explain the sweatpants. I didn’t have it in me to photograph the Wheat Thins hoarder. I might be creepy, but even I draw the line somewhere. Just trust me when I say eccentric millionaire is the only thing that would make sense of their grocery store garb.

Naturally, the only other thing that would make sense of the outfit and Wheat Thin obsession is “crazy person.” Now, I’ve got to be honest with you. My knee jerk reaction was crazy person. As I was walking back to my car after my own purchase of one single solitary watermelon (Jeff Claassen, eccentric millionaire at your service) I had a realization. The Wheat Thin addict was not an eccentric millionaire, despite her sweatpants and the odd way she had to lay out all of her bills in order of denomination. As for being crazy, I realized she was probably just a normal lady and only suffered from being temporarily crazy. And this is why. Her normal state of being a rational person got manipulated by the power of grocery store marketing. I am almost certain the store was running one of their insane deals where you have to by five (or ten) of a product to save “big”. Sometimes “big” ends up being something like 25 cents off per box, but you have to buy ten boxes. Your caveman brain thinks $2 off is a bargain and it overpowers the rational thinking part of your brain that knows you do not need ten boxes of Wheat Thins. But here’s the thing. By the time your rational thinking kicks in you’ve already lost because you’ve already decided to buy the ten boxes. Now you rationalize the ten box purchase because you know that eventually, in time, you will go through ten boxes of Wheat Thins. Even if it takes you a year (or more) to do so it’s worth the bulk purchase to save $2.

At the end of the day the store wins and you got duped into spending more money. And you don’t even care because you got a “deal”. You might even think that you really stuck it to the man by taking advantage of the sale. To add insult to injury, if you think about, you actually double lose because now you’re going to eat more just because you have more. I can’t tell you the number of times I would have been totally satisfied with one Kit-Kat, but I got the two for 99 cents deal (or whatever it is). Then I eat one on the car ride home and eat the second one later that night. If I did not have that second one tempting me with its chocolaty crunchiness I would never go back to the store to buy a second one. It wouldn’t even cross my mind that I want another Kit-Kat because that would be crazy and I’m not a crazy person.

The sad truth is, like the Wheat Thin lady, I’m just a sucker from time to time.

Well, that’s sort of a sad and boring way to end this. You know what? I love Kit-Kats. And my new crazy friend loves Wheat Thins. So, fuck you, grocery store! We’re the winners!

Happy grocery shopping!
– Jeff

P.S. – On the real, this is a fascinating topic and I’d love to dig deeper into it, but I’m not Malcolm Gladwell. I have no time to interview people or do any research. I’m just winging it here. Writing one post a day has been fun and it’s a great reminder that things don’t have to be perfect. If you haven’t watched that Jack Conte video yet, please do yourself a favor and check it out.

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Was this enough or would you like more random musings? If so, check out these posts from back in the day:
Dear, Hollywood. Remake The Goonies
Kim Carnes Is Rod Stewart With A Vagina

I Love A Good Bad Parking Job

This is so good.

I’ve been collecting bad parking photos for years. I just can’t help myself. When I see a bad parking job I just have to photograph it. I think this one is especially good. When you are responsible for a parking job like this it says one of two things about the person behind the wheel. One, this person does not give a fuck. Or two, this person should no longer be allowed to operate a motor vehicle, but they’re doing it anyway. And in my opinion, both are pretty badass.

Here’s the thing, unless you are drunk or blind there is no way you step out of this vehicle and not know how bad of a job you did at parking. To walk away from this situation fully aware of how much you screwed up is crazy to me. It’s that special kind of crazy that is almost admirable. You almost have to look up to this person for their total disregard to social norms and common sense manners.

From here on out, make a deal with yourself. If you are going to park bad, park REALLY bad. Park bad enough that it’s photo worthy. Who knows, you might have the honor of being immortalized on this blog.

Good luck!

– Jeff

Somebody Donated To Viva Paso…Kind Of

A lot of bizarre things happen when you work in retail. Take this cigarette I found on James And The Giant Peach. Is this an anonymous donation from a kind donor that thinks I look like a dude that needs a cigarette? I like to think so and I should probably leave it at that, but…

I say we dive deep into this because I close the shop in an hour and writing for the next 40 minutes feels far more productive than watching Part 3 of Shane Dawson’s “The Beautiful World Of Jeffree Star” series. How crazy is this? The episode was released 5 hours ago and is #1 trending on YouTube and has been trending on Twitter for 5 hours, but I digress. Let’s get back to cigarettes and children’s books because those two things really belong together.

So, the cigarette left behind was probably not an anonymous donation. One theory I’ve tossed around is that this person was either annoyed or offended or both that our copy of James And The Giant Peach is the peach scented edition. That’s right, this book literally smells like a peach. It’s amazing. Come in and give it a good sniff next time you’re in town. The theory is that this person was so disgusted with the idea of a peach scented book that they set out to sabotage it. Their plan was that the scent of the cigarette would overpower the delicious scent of the peach and who knows, maybe this person works for Big Tobacco as a recruiting scout and their whole objective is to get kids addicted to cigarettes. And what better way to do so than by having tobacco scented children’s books? This is actually starting to sound like a Shane Dawson conspiracy video. Anyway, like I said, this is just a theory. Unfortunately, the sad truth is this. You know those people you meet and as soon as they are out of sight you make a mad dash to the nearest hand sanitizer or sink to wash you hands? You didn’t even shake their hand, but the mere presence of them makes you fill covered in germs. Yeah, it was one of those people. This person was also talking to themself while meandering through my shop. I don’t like to throw around the word schizophrenia, but…

Anyway, based on what I could gather from this person they were probably extremely bummed out when they realized later that night that the last cigarette they thought they had actually did not exist. When you think about it, that’s just not a good state of mind for a person that suffers from schizophrenia. Then again, I suppose that’s exactly what schizophrenia is. Right? Now I can’t even keep up with what’s happening in this story. Good thing I now have this cigarette to smoke so it will calm my nerves.

The end.

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Alternate Ending:

Great…I can’t find the cigarette now. Did I ever have it? Did it actually exist? Of course it did, it’s in the photo. Maybe I already smoked it and it was more than a cigarette. You know, like it was laced with something. What’s happening? Am I the crazy one? I knew I should have just watched the Shane Dawson video instead of being “productive”.

The end.

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Ok, seriously. This post could have easily just been the photo and a simple caption like, “A picture is worth a thousand words.” Or something like that.

This is where I would normally add some fun links to more of my stuff, but after this post I’m sure you’ve had enough of me.

Until tomorrow!
– Jeff

PS. I don’t smoke and if I did I certainly would not smoke a random cigarette that a complete stranger left behind.

Where Did All My Cocaine Go?

It’s not everyday you find a treasure like this waiting for you at your door in the morning. And what great timing because I was fresh out of needles. It’s like the universe just knew.

Ok, jokes aside. This baggie of mysterious white powder and used needle were found outside the door of my downtown shop. It’s just cute little boutiques in downtown Paso Robles. By night, I guess, it turns into a sleazy shooting factory? Who knows? What I do know is that it’s enough to make me say…

Ok, now let’s talk about how wasteful this junkie is. There is a lot of “stuff” they left behind. I guess when you’re high you’re not thinking about being conservative and thrifty. I mean, you’re high, right? But you do have enough brains to not get caught walking down the street with a bunch of illegal paraphernalia. Well, at least not until you consume some of it. And I guess once you get your fill you just leave all incriminating evidence for me to find, which is fantastic because I really needed a pick me this morning after only getting 2 hours of sleep.

Totally kidding, people. That shit is nasty. Coral and I were shocked to find this and were totally disgusted. Neither one of us realized that this was a thing that happened. Of course, the level of disgust increased significantly when we thought about our 5 year old running around the shop. Imagining your toddler stepping out the side door and walking back in waving a used syringe asking, “What’s this?” is beyond…I don’t even know…beyond words.

With that said…

Dear drug users,

Please clean up after yourself like a responsible adult.

The Management

And for all you readers out there, thanks for tuning in. It’s much appreciated.

See ya!
– Jeff

PS. While looking over this before hitting the “publish” button I noticed the snowman on the baggie. Oh, druggies…your sense of humor always amazes me.

Live Work Love Episode 7: Sex Dust, 2016 Pop Culture Re-Cap, And Celebrity Deaths

During the first moments of 2017 Coral and Jeff have a discussion about what went down in 2016 pop culture, despite the fact that they are completely out of touch with “pop culture”. There is also some talk about celebrity deaths, the New Year’s Day tradition of the Polar Bear Dip and how Jeff got roofied with a new age hippie powder called “Sex Dust”.

Enjoy the ride!

Listen on iTunes:

Don’t forget to subscribe so you don’t miss out on future episodes AND if you leave a review that would be super awesome. It helps out in the search rankings so more people can discover Live Work Love.

Thanks for listening!
– Jeff

Idiots And Assholes

This is what I saw when I walked out of work a couple of days ago.

Just because you left somebody in the backseat with the door open does not mean you are allowed to park like an idiot. Seriously, with two open spots side by side how hard could it be to park in between the lines? Perhaps this person needs to trade this car in for a Mini Cooper. Or better yet, maybe they need to start taking the bus. Or, even better, stay home. However, this is nothing compared to what awaited me two days later when I got to work in the morning.

Who does this? I’ll tell you. Assholes do this, that’s who. Seriously, what is wrong with people? There is nothing more annoying to me than having to pick up somebody else’s mess. Why do people think it’s ok to do this? There are four containers here. That means it’s safe to assume there were four people (or 2 very hungry ones) eating on/around the bench directly in front of our shop. Probably adults. Not a single one of them noticed the garbage can on the corner, which is about a 15-20 second walk from the bench. Not a single one thought to pick up after their retarded friends. And not a single one spoke up to be all, “Yo, guys…let’s not leave all our shit here.” Should I mention the place their food came from was a 15-20 second walk in the opposite direction of the trash can on the corner and it would have been totally appropriate to walk the trash back to the place where the food came from. To put that another way, these assholes were 15 seconds away in either direction from finding a place to dispose of their trash properly.

Someone parking like an idiot is funny to me. People acting like assholes is not funny. It’s annoying, but hey…it gave me something to write a blog post about. See, inspiration is all around us. Thanks, assheads!

Update 8am: BONUS IDIOT

This person was in front of me and we both pulled up to the curb at the same time to park. She refused to pull forward for some reason and stopped just in front of the red zone. Oh, I know why, because she’s an asshole and an idiot. I won’t say I was “forced” to park in the red zone because of her. I’m an adult willing to take responsibility for my actions and I admittedly chose to park in the red zone as opposed to driving around to find a spot further away from my destination, but I could have been a lot less in the red zone (like just my bumper, maybe) had she pulled forward like a decent human being. The further out of the red zone I could be the greater the chance of not getting a ticket. Hey, you know what? I have photoshop, let’s see how this would look if Miss Poopy Parker did pull forward.

See, my car totally fits!
Ok, I know that’s only half my car, but use your imagination. I’m guessing that half my back tire to the bumper would be in the red zone. And here’s how much of an idiot I am. I honestly contemplated driving back just to get a photo where my whole car would be in frame.

Happy parking!
– Jeff

P.S. – Check out the new “Parisian Princess” t-shirt.

Coral Totally Took The Wind Out Of My Sails

For some reason I was home alone on Saturday morning, which doesn’t happen often. I think I even slept in a little, which happens even less. These two things made for the beginning of a great day. It got even better when Coral texted that she was coming to pick me up. That sounds weird considering we live together, but it was exciting because normally when one of us comes home that is exactly what we do. We park the car and go in the house. This idea of getting picked up seemed so spontaneous. Romantic even. Visions of hot cocoa and chocolate chip croissants filled my head. Where could she be taking me, I wondered. Feeling like an excited little boy on his way to the candy store I grabbed my backpack and camera as I ran out the door. Whatever cute adventure she had in mind I wanted to document it.

This photo was taken in May 2015 and has absolutely nothing to do with this post, but since I’m writing about Coral I should really have a photo of her. Anyway…

I get in the car full of excitement and as she begins backing out of the driveway I ask where we’re going. She very naturally says, “Oh, we need to put gas in the car and I need you to pump the fuel because I don’t want to.”

I’ve been walking around in a lifeless zombie like state ever since. With a single solitary tear running down the side of my face.

Two New Paintings, A Sketchbook Spread And My Ultimate Crush

A few days ago I showed you some works in progress and I am happy to report that they are now completed and ready for your viewing pleasure. Two of them are even ready to hang on your wall. You know, if you’re into kinky stuff like that.

“Love Each Other”
5″ x 7″ – mixed media on wood
$100, plus shipping. If you’d like to purchase this painting you can place your order right here.
BONUS! Use code EARLYBIRD to get 20% off this painting. Offer expires at noon on Jan. 15.

And now a little story. For some reason I really wanted to write “love each other” on this painting, which is strange because off the top of my head I can only think of two paintings I’ve made in the last 4-6 years with words in them. And one of them doesn’t count because it was my sister’s name on an iPad cover I painted for her. I’m not exactly sure why, but I’m just not that into using words in my art. I probably should though and after making this one I feel like I might add it to my repertoire. The thing is, I have awful handwriting. I also have this self imposed rule not to sketch on my paintings first and to just dive in with paint, ink and a paint brush. I’ll admit, I have made a few exceptions, mostly on commissions where I was asked to paint something very specific. In other cases, but not often, I might sketch with a pen or brush on a scrap paper just to get the feel for how to put the line down before I try it on the actual painting. Forming muscle memory, I suppose. When it comes to writing text I over analyze and scrutinize every little detail, which is silly because that totally takes the fun out of it. But, when you don’t do it often it just feels awkward. Check out my scrap paper for writing “Love Each Other”.

That’s just ridiculous. I felt like a neurotic little girl writing my name over and over again with the last name of whatever boy I’m crushing on. Let’s just call him Jake Ryan. We love each other, damn it! He just doesn’t know it. Yet.

My other painting is a new “fat bird”, as I lovingly call them. Most of my fat birds are 4″ squares, but this one is an 8 incher. I really love the wood grain in this one. I was tempted to paint a border around the image, but decided not to because I wanted as much wood grain to show as possible.

“King Of The Castle”
8″ x 8″ – mixed media on wood
$120, plus shipping.
If you’d like to purchase this painting you can place your order right here.
BONUS! Use code EARLYBIRD to get 20% off this painting. Offer expires at noon on Jan. 15.

Have you heard of the Early Bird Special yet? Sometimes when I put new things up in the shop I offer 20% off for the first day or two. These are one of a kind originals and once they’re sold they are gone forever. If you happen to purchase one within the first day or two that I have it available I think you deserve a little something, which is why I started doing this. Be sure to use the code EARLYBIRD during checkout and you will get 20% off these paintings. This code is also valid for the three new paintings I posted a few days ago.

And last, but not least, here is the full page sketchbook spread. It took a couple of days for the spray paint to lose some of its stickiness.

Years ago when I was obsessed with drawing in sketchbooks I never would have thought to spray paint in one, but I like it. This Moleskine paper can take a lot of abuse and the paint didn’t even bleed through at all, which is awesome.

As always, thanks for looking!
– Jeff

Pop Tarts Are Better Toasted…

Conversation with James this morning while he was “making” his “lunch”.

Me: Did you just put a toasted Pop Tart in a baggie?
James: Yes.
Me: Why?
James: I thought it would be better toasted.
Me: But you’re not eating it right now?
James: No, it’s for lunch.

And this is the point when I have to resist banging my head against a wall.