It’s my time of the month. More accurately, it’s my time of the four to five month. What I mean is that it’s haircut time again. Every four to five months I get my head shaved at Fantastic Sam’s. It’s my wish that everyone I lived with shaved their heads. This wish does not exclude the two girls I live with. If hair cutting clippers came with a silencer these girls would wake up more bald than Britney Spears during a mental breakdown after ditching rehab. Afterall, wigs are made for a reason and I feel that not enough people take advantage of them. I mean, check out how awesome Coral and Evelyn would look switching up their hairstyle every day.

Am I right, people?

The reason behind my household head shaving campaign is quite simple. I’ll admit, it’s totally selfish, but I can not explain to you how incredibly annoyed I’m getting at feeling things crawl on me only to find out it’s a long hair that has fallen out of somebody’s head. The last month or two I’ve seen a dramatic increase in lone hairs around the house. And it’s grossing me out. Of course, I am relieved to find a nine inch long hair as opposed to a two inch long brown recluse seconds away from poisoning me with its deathly venom. The thing is, when you experience what feels like a spider on you it’s a natural human instinct to feel threatened, which shoots a big dose of adrenaline through your body. When this happens because a random strand of your ten year old girls’ hair is dangling off your head and tickling the back of your neck, which feels exactly like a deadly critter crawling on you, it’s simply just a waste of a fight-or-flight response.

With that said I have almost been conditioned to the point that I don’t feel threatened when I feel what could be an eight legged death beast crawling on me. After getting my head shaved today I went to a local donut shop for a big tasty cup of Thai iced tea and while standing in line I felt a pesky hair on the back of my neck. This time I couldn’t blame Coral or Evelyn because it made more sense that it was actually one of mine. I brushed it off, ordered my tea, then found a table to sit at. When I took my hat off to set it on the table this disgusting beetle like bug landed on the table too. It wasn’t a hair I felt on my neck moments ago while anticipating my tasty drink. It was a critter! When I brushed it off I actually just scooted him up to my hat. Sadly, for him, it was judgement day.

The poor creature did not stand a chance against the bottom of my shoe. I have no idea what this thing is, but they have been taking over our happy little town. The other night I felt a leaf fall down the back of my shirt. Hey, I was sitting under a tree. It made logical sense at the time. It turned out to be one of these ugly insects. His last moments of life were spent getting sandwiched between my thumb and forefinger. Luckily, for me, this was done through my shirt. I thought I would just be grabbing a leaf. The rest of my downtown walk was spent strategically holding my shirt so bloody bug guts wouldn’t get smeared all over by back.

After today’s donut shop incident my body is very confused. When I feel something foreign on my skin I no longer know how to react. Do I fight or do I flight? Do I wear one of those awesome yellow bug suits everywhere I go or do I shave the head of everybody I come into contact with on daily basis? These are the questions I’ll be asking myself tonight when I lay in bed going over the day’s events and relaxing in the dark. All the while wondering what that thing is I feel on the back of my neck. Good night!