Posts Tagged ‘parenting’

The Parents Survival Kit And How The Kids Drove Me To Drinking

As the kids get older the sweetness disappears and is, unfortunately, replaced with back talking, sass, and bullshit.

As a result, I’ve picked up a drinking habit. Nothing to be too concerned about…yet.

last night's parent survival kit: white russian in a tall cup and two pb&j's.
Parent Survival Kit

After a long weekend of telling children to do the same thing 5,000 times and getting eyes rolled at me in response I had no choice but to break out the bottle of Kahlua and mix myself a big fat cup of a White Russian. The version I make is pretty ghettoized, but real tasty. The Claassen style White Russian is simply Kahlua and whatever milk I can find in the fridge mixed in a big cup of ice. It’s delicious. I’ve never been a beer drinker and only had a brief stint as a wine drinker in my mid twenties when I was going through a Bukowski phase, which I should probably be embarrassed about, but I tend to look at it more like a rite of passage kind of thing for any young writer.

Anyway, the long weekend of dealing with sassy, selfish, back talking children has led me to develop my own personal “Parent Survival Kit”. The kit includes a White Russian mixed in the biggest cup you can find in the house and two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. For best results it is highly suggested that the kit is administered after all the children in the house have gone to bed. You will need a comfy place to sit where you can elevate your feet. Personally, my couch is perfect for this, but laying in bed wouldn’t be a bad place either. If you find solace in absolute quiet then find a nice quiet spot. For me it’s listening to music through fancy headphones (not those bullshit “earbuds”), feet up on the couch, dimly lit room, window open to allow for a slight breeze. Absolute heaven.

I will live to fight another day.

James Told Me To Shut Up

It’s true. Kids get mouthy. They also like to see what they can get away with. A few days ago James tested out what would happen if he told me to shut up. My first instinct was to get all Ultimate Warrior on his ass and pile drive him into the sidewalk.

the ultimate warrior

Instead, I kept my cool and decided to post this screenshot of his Instagram profile. It’s less violent than my original idea and even though my actions would be justified it will keep the Child Protective Services out of my hair.

James On Instagram

I absolutely love the inconsistencies in the second line. “Follows” and “fallow”. And, of course, “u” and “ya”.

Also, he’s 12 and he knows it. Is he trying to impress young co-ed’s he’ll never meet that he’s a teenager? Probably. After Coral and I saw this, and our cringing subsided, we made him edit it to be less creepy and more genuine. We gave him some ideas and explained that it’s a bio and that saying something about himself would be a good idea. One of his friends on Instagram says this for his bio, “I’m an amateur photographer and am grateful for any likes and follows. Thanks so much, everybody!” Our suggestion was to use that as a model. Here’s what he came up with.

james instagram

He fixed the “follow” thing, but liked the “u/ya” thing enough to keep it. For some odd reason. Our suggestions were completely ignored. And to top that off he’s a total liar. He has 50 followers and is only following 33. He’s not quite holding up to his “Follows u if ya follow me” promise. It’s unclear what those 17 people have done to not warrant getting a follow from “JAMEZNOTJAMES”, but he refuses to follow them back.

I should also mention his use of the self made nickname “Jamez”, which is pronounced jah-mez. Is there anything more embarrassing than giving yourself a nickname? It’s got to be towards the top of the list of most embarrassing things you can do. Not to mention, we’ve been telling him for months to stop this whole “Jamez” business, but the kid just won’t budge.

If he ever tells me to shut up again he best put on fluorescent speedo’s, some face paint and be prepared for the biggest Royal Rumble of his young life.

ultimate jeff

You can pre-order your tickets at Ticket Master.

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